Come to the Dark Side.
My lesson was about more than imbalance. There was something deeper and darker to see.
Another prelude to the Projector Human Design type: When we are living by our true nature, aligned to how we are designed to live, Projectors are “successful” (which looks different for everyone). For myself, I am the “peaceful easy feeling” that the Eagles sang about. I make art, enjoy music, hang out in the woods by a campfire, share good stories, good food, and laughter, and I can be that insightful friend who offers to you the wisdom you need when you require ‘adjustments’.
But when we Projectors are in our “Not Self” - the Shadow Self, as Carl Jung called it - holy shit.
We are bitterness embodied. Miserable doesn’t even come close to covering it, at least for me. And the fact that we Projectors have a powerful energy that penetrates the auras of people and focuses it back to them, there may be reason to fear us at times. I actually have had people say that they are intimidated by me, even slightly terrified.
We aren’t exactly snuggly teddy bears when we are in our Not Self.
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There was a second lesson learned as I exited 2024.
My recent Méniére's attack came with the bonus of a close examination of my bathroom toilet, a symptom I’ve not had for many years. The fact that it was necessary meant that the attack fell into that mid-level category of “serious’ but thankfully not E.R.-worthy. It also caused me to pause and look beyond the overwhelm and exhaustion. There was way more to this.
I had not yet eaten the Saturday I got sick, so I had nothing in my stomach that morning – all I was “projecting” at the time was bile.
Bile or gall, in biblical terms, refers to a bitter substance often associated with suffering, sorrow, and judgment. The term is used both literally and metaphorically throughout the Scriptures. As a manifestation of emotional dis-ease, bile is anger or bitterness toward someone or something.
Bitterness is a toxic emotion. Lee Strobel wrote, "The medical evidence is clear and mounting. It's no exaggeration to say that bitterness is a dangerous drug in any dosage and that your very health is at risk if you stubbornly persist in it."
So, I was not just a little “off balance”. I was fucking BITTER. Really, really bitter.
That’s NOT good.
(Why did I hear that in Jordan Peterson’s voice?)
(5/1 Emotional Manifestor.)
I couldn’t understand this. I mean, I write in a gratitude journal every bloody day. I can look around and see so much for which I am truly thankful. What the hell do I have to be bitter about?
So I did the only thing I could do: I made a list.
And dammit, wouldn’t you know, by the time I exhausted all my grievances and gripes, I hit well into the triple digits.
The bitterness just flowed out like a river of darkness. From aspects of my job to feelings around this still-not-really started business, to relationships, to past grievances, to the current state of the world and the horrific crimes against children and humanity that is playing out everywhere…
I had no idea all this was seething beneath the surface. Some of them were annoying nuisance-level stuff, others had my blood pressure rising. I think there will be a time, soon I hope, when I can look back on this list and see many of those items that are just me simping in victimhood, the result of my own inability to set and stick to boundaries because I spent a lifetime in people-pleaser mode.
It reminded me of Anakin Skywalker from the prequel series in Star Wars. (Let’s not get into a debate about how Star Wars has taken a massive dive since the OG series and just geek out for a bit here…)
As much as he was a good lookin’ fella, Anakin the young man was a whiny brat in some respect. He had a great life - the Jedi took him away from a sand pit of a planet and he now lived in comfort, receiving the training he’d always wanted. But he wasn’t satisfied, and barely grateful The Jedi council, he said, was “holding him back”, not letting him advance to full Jedi. The Council, in their wisdom, still sensed there was something he was lacking in his readiness; our buddy Yoda said he sensed fear in the boy, and fear was a path to the Dark Side.
However the future Emporer, Palpatine, used Skywalker’s ambitions and impatience to manipulate him to follow his Shadow, to turn to the Dark Side, and have everything he ever wanted without recognition from the council, or anyone else. He would be the most powerful man in the galaxy. Palpatine played to his ego.
Gullible, naive Anakin let his emotions get out of check. He became steeped in bitterness and anger - toward his home, his order, his promises, his mentors, his friends, even his wife - and made a LOT of poor decisions that led to a life of suffering and horror.
Once he committed to that path, hell broke lose.
I’m not saying all bitter Projectors are genocidal ego-maniacs. Just don’t think that some of us who may be caught up in the Not Self haven’t briefly had a few very nasty thoughts cross our minds.
Projectors are about energy management - and aren’t all the references to “The Force” in Star Wars about exactly that? We pick up the energy of the person we’re with, and refocus it back to them to provide clarity and guidance. We look for systems and efficiencies so that more can be done with less effort. That’s when we are in alignment with our true Self.
In our Not Self, we would like to be able to wave our hand and send some fool flying across the room, or worse. Lucky for all of us, we haven’t mastered The Force to that extent. Yet.
I did warn you this was the Dark Side of the Human Design Projector.
Seriously though, this has to stop.
Once I recognized that all my bitterness had manifested physically, and I saw this laundry list of all the things that were feeding the Bitterness Beast, it became obvious. I have GOT to make some radical changes. Post haste.
For one, yes, the workload has to dial back. Big time. I’ve got a plan for that. Meditation and spiritual time has to become a priority. Assessing the quality of people I am around - some are about to find themselves with less and less access to me. Finding that creative time and space. Making play a regular thing (which is pretty much my creative time). Cleaning up my diet and taking better care of my health. My reading and music and quiet time is paramount. I often joke that I need quiet time and coffee in the morning before going out to interact with the humans, and it’s not much of an exaggeration.
At the end of this lesson, it comes down to my health and longevity as much as it is about achieving goals and success. It’s a matter of “returning balance to The Force”, of looking at that Shadow and asking, “What are you here to teach me?” and then following that guidance. It sure pointed out a lot of changes I need to make. I am walking around wondering if I have to just blow up my life and start over, it’s become so insidious.
Carl Jung said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.”
Rather than bury the Dark Side, better to look deeper into it for understanding so it doesn’t turn you against your own best interests.